Philadelphia

Before I reveal just how horrible I am, let me note two things. One, I am married to a woman who agrees with you. Secondly, I do this because I know all too well the frustration of searching high and low in vain for employment that actually is creatively rewarding AND makealivingable on the vessel known as Craigslist. Rarely, do these requirements meet, and it’s in those heedy times when no one else is returning your calls in the “legitimate world” that one actually contemplates taking on a gig – something, anything – for free. You quickly sell yourself on a perceived gain – creative contacts, future employ, etc – and then immediately recoil once communication begins. Because let’s face it – someone, anyone, asking for the world without a displaying a modicum of empathy is, for lack of a better phrase, a flaming asshole.

Last week, I openly mocked a post that fit all the parameters of what makes one’s Craigslist job query blood boil. And then in the comfort of my own employment, I decided to fight back, because in these times, I want to be everywhere. Wherever you can look – wherever there’s a fight, so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, I’ll be there. I’ll be in the way guys cry when frustrated. And when the kids laugh at their dads crying, I’ll be there, too.

And when I can’t be there, I’ll cast this year’s Academy Award winning duo of Jeff Bridges and Sandra Bullock to re-enact my email exchange with one Sade1. So without further ado, no grammatical tweaks and dedicated to you, d…THE WOOKIEE STRIKES BACK!

Continue reading

This increases the northward march of the probability that ?uestlove might one day be mounted atop City Hall.

Continue reading

Continue reading

That’s right, true believers – Arthur Kade’s friends who start with the letter “S” outnumber your own.

Continue reading

Five days. That’s what I’m establishing as the “back to norm” time for SEPTA following any snowfall more than five inches in depth. Within that timeframe, the commuting public just need to accept this as reality. CHILL. Bring a book, catch up on the RSS feeds, converse in loving tones as if you’ve never conversed as such before. The train will not come faster by repeatedly looking up and down the darkened track. Exclamations of “bullshit” prove you to be a total bubbler. Crying…I mean what the fuck is wrong with you?

And when that train finally does come after a nearly 50-minute wait, know that exclaiming “Alright people, you need to move over” at the top of your lungs to no one in particular as if employed by SEPTA only gives the two people sitting on the three-seater credence. They actually were taking initiative, but if only not to get stuck with you besides them, an asshole seen a car-length away…

And then, when all is back to normal and you feel it an imperative to still bitch about snowfall in February, don’t be offended when I turn and remark “try working Norilsk”.

RELATED: DC OVER-EXAGGERATED ALL THE PAIN OF THE SNOWMAGEDDON, BUT DEFINITELY HAD MORE FUN DOING SO

Continue reading

The second rule of SEPTA’s quiet car is that someone will board who is unaware that the first rule of quiet car even exists. Cue awkwardness.

Continue reading

Continue reading

You’ve heard this one before, but please allow me a chance to reconfirm life’s only obvious at the present moment; the “Pepperoni Heaven” pizza from Ardmore’s Original Eagle Pizza is the best pizza in the Philly burbs. I’m sure there exists a superior pie deep in the heart of South Philadelphia, there just has to. I just never found it. And out here, I have no impetus to further a comparison.

Continue reading

I got texted by a Mongol just the other day, opened it, read it, said we’re to be suckered…deprived of the most under-appreciated BYO in Philadelphia.

Continue reading